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RICHARD CHEESE! the single greatest wine-bar singer in the world!!!! yay! he takes innapropriate songs (heavy metal, pop, etc.) and turns them into frank sinatra style 'swing' tunes!
he's also responsible for the now classic STAR WARS CANTINA spoof song... any fan of sci-fi and/or barry mannilow should check this out:
http://www.pmeq.com/ie/mich/swc.html
for more on mr. cheese, goto:
http://www.iloverichardcheese.com/
sick? twisted? yup - but we'd be lying if things like this it don provoke a dastardly smile once every now and again (such as the brazilian one above.) its the ones with ZERO thought gone into them that annoy me... i had one on my phone last week which read, quite word for word: WHY DO IRAQI'S TRAVEL ON BUSES IN LONDON? A./ WHO CARES, BANG, YOUR DEAD!!!! i'm sure you'll agree: hilarious.
yes, its that sorta thing that offends me. if youre gonna pick on sick, twisted subject matter, at least have the dignity to make it worthwhile. lack of imagination is the worst in low-low taste. happens every 'disaster' though... oh well.
ah, come on! even if mr. burton aint your thing its worth more than a veryn poor! 
""My favourite is when you buy something, take it back and the assistant tells you it is in the sale now and will only refund you the sale price. Duh!""
this is illegal... if you have a receipt and are within 28 days (its actually possible to go beyond that, but hey...) then they HAVE to refund original retail price. i've been there MANY times... its the law.
ALSO, A NICE LITTLE TRICK TO CASH IN ON THE CASHIERS WHO ARE TOO USED TO PLASTIC... this only works normally around xmas time. if you buy something for, say, £35... count the money out in front of them... literally speaking the amount you lay down (or even better, in their hand)... count the first tenner as a 'twenty', then the next tenner as ten (lay it down quick)... then unload coins on top. the subliminal messages you send by speaking a fake total, PLUS all the shrapnel genuinely confuse them into getting away with it. NO LIE: THIS WORKS ABOUT 80% OF THE TIME EVERY XMAS/NEW YEAR. (better with a queue.) try it... whats the worst that can happen? just plead genuine mistake. (also works with any divible involving coins... palming a 10 off as a 20 is pretty easy) this is why i rarely reach for plastic...
since you mentioned the 'c' word, i gott ask...
are there any RICHARD CHEESE fans out there?
STICKING WITH THE POOR TASTE, I'M SURE YOU'VE ALL HEARD THIS ONE BY NOW (I'VE HAD THIS ONE TEXT TO ME ABOUT 20 TIMES SO FAR):
apparently osama bin laden is a 100% official chocoholic! yup - tis true. especially smarties...... the other week, he got through 3 tubes... and then finished off with a double decker.
(YES, I AM GOING TO HELL FOR THIS.)
APOLOGIES FIRSTHAND BEFORE I CONTINUE...
two arabs walk into a clothing store. one picks up a rucksack and tries it on. he turns to his mate and says: "does my bomb look big in this?"
LIKE I SAID, APOLOGIES...
well, well, well, it seems as if i should up the stakes, people!
"I am an obscure one, with a word structure that sounds like 3 very peculiar acting male cows. with only one digit on my feet, my impaired vision makes things hazy, in an untalented mid-90's indie pop-group kind-of-way... and my third and final man-cow doesn't sound like a ringtone, but may ryhme with what causes it (yet minus the silent letters, of course)..."
he-he-he - (cackling with evil glee...)
YAY! it was a curly wurly! YAY!
(never thought using 'chimera' would spark such controversy!)
RIGHT, HERE'S ANOTHER ONE:
"I used to be a very strange race of chocolate bar, but now i'm just downright laughable."
(easy - come on, people!)
"i am a sickly twisted individual, with many a chimera to traumatise me. i you listen carefully, i almost repeat myself..."
WHAT CHOCCY-BAR AM I? 
Why, when taken into account the lack of proof and hard evidence, is the evolution 'sapien' theory still put forth as fact by 87% of scientists/historians? Surely a preferred choice by now should be one based upon concrete foundations, and not paper-thin allegations about evolving jaw-lines etc... which brings us to the next query - what is, indeed, the point of hiuman existance? And does the concept of reality only lie within the individuals conception of normality, or is it indeed a preset moral guideleine to exist by?
or perhaps, more imporatanly.... why didnt the hell didnt obi-wan recognise the droids in Episode 4, when he was heavily involved with them in number 3 a mere 20 years prior? i mean COME ON - he's a jedi with amnesia?
that doent ring quite true...
