The Amazon 1-Star Game

[drterror666]

OK, here's how it's done.  All you have to do is think of a famous film (ie. Citizen Kane) or an album by a musical group/singer (ie. Rolling Stones) and see if anyone has posted a moronic 1-star review for the purposes of our own humour.  I will go first.

Film: Alien

Review:

anyone you can seriously say that they liked this movie is an idiot, made in 1979 the costumes look as if they were designed in the 50s, for christs sake space suits had all ready been designed how far wrong can you go.
also the plot is just terrible, firstly what stupid galactic military intelligence agency decides its a good idea to use an incompetent and unknowing crew as bait for apparantly superior predator. relying on a android - that seemed to be, well lets just say i dont think it would work in the rain - to bring back this alien halfway across the galaxy for research purposes. if the andriod can pilot the craft alone then why is a human crew needed at all? why didnt they send a crew of android with on human as bait?

secondly why does the ships computer accomodate an entire room and need to be communicated with through typing commands and queries when it is capable to make androids that can pass themselves off as humans?

thirdly, i can hardly see the alien as being such a great predator seen as the way it meets its demise in the movie seems to be because it cant be bothered to kill the last human alive, the one that seems to be putting on a spacesuit and opening the airlock, come on now whats that about?

on top of numerous plot pitfalls, the movie seems to flow from moments of extreme terror (loud noise, quick cuts) and moments off calm and boredom on the part of the crew, its just rubbish, why will no one else realise this.

[Cherry_Ripe]

Album: Abbey Road by the Beatles

Review:
Lazy lazy lazy drivel. i cried i cried and i cried then i turned it off and played slayer, and realized the brits have nothing on yankee music.
the main problem is the opening bass motif that paul mccartney on his (violin honer bass) guitar is ever so slightly flat which begs the question do they deserve to come together on this song. lots of love paul.

[drterror666]

i turned it off and played slayer

LMAO!!!

[smurfboy]

These people are the bane of my life :/

[wjp666]

Film: 'The Good, The Bad and The Ugly'. (the BEST western ever made!)

Review: "Is this film supposed to be a comedy ? (eg with Eli Wallach from the New York clasical school of over acting). If so, it is in poor taste with the butchery of the civil war prominent. The civil war was not fought on the sand dunes of the Canary islands. Moreover, able-bodied young men in civilian dress would not be able to freely prance around in the civil war 'theatre'. Clint is burnt to a cinder in the sun and yet within a few days has a baby soft complexion. Eli is beaten to a pulp and yet somehow manages to keep all his teeth and his engaging smile. A overlong, overrated lot of nonsense. Clint only made two good westerns: Josey Wales and Pale Rider. The only Leone western worthy of a repeat viewing is For a Few dollars More due to Lee Van Clef , a better script and better music."

[drterror666]

Clint only made two good westerns

Is this guy for real?

[wjp666]

it appears so!

[Cherry_Ripe]

i turned it off and played slayer

LMAO!!!

Yeah, that was my favourite bit too!

[wjp666]

FILM: The Shawshank Redemption.

REVIEW: "A barely adequate movie which semaphores its mawkish tale of moral redemption at every corner -just before it rams it down your throat. If you like Disney movies this is for you.  If you balk at movies which make formulaic plays at your emotions then this is definitely a film to avoid. If you prefer complex stories with development of ideas in a dramatic setting avoid Shawshank like the plague. The acting is all that really holds this rather overstretched story together. It is essentially a short story spread way too thin. Taken from a Stephen King novella it barely makes it off the page. It is a movie both unoriginal in ideas and execution, and populated by stock characters. Both Tim Robbins and Morgan Freeman have starred in some excellent movies - this is not one of them. If you are looking for a more interesting and complex story starring either actor try Seven, The Player, or Bob Roberts, any one of which is much more deserving of the five-star rating that this film seems to attract from most people."

[drterror666]

Film: 2001: A Space Odyssey

Review:

...Just how bad this film truly is. Very overrated: I'm still not sure what the plot was. In fact, I feel like I was abducted for 2 hours: one minute I'm watching the opening credits, the next I'm seeing the end credits and I seem to have lost 2 hours in between. That's 120 minutes (or more) that I'm never going to get back.

Avoid at all costs, unless you have cronic insomnia as this will surely put to sleep even the worst of non-sleepers.

Moron!

[drterror666]

This one's good...

Film: Star Wars!!!

Review:

Star Wars is unquestionably one of the most overrated and under whelming films it has ever been my misfortune to see. Now I could live with never seeing it again and hold my peace but for the fact that it comes first in every Top 100 film list voted for by the public, which just goes to prove that 40 is the new 13 adolescent school boy who has just worked out how to turn on a computer.

Trust me when I say this, that I mean no offence, but there are other movies out there, maybe it's time to leave the obsession alone and allow the real world back in, we would welcome you back to a productive role in society.

Maybe if you put all the energy you use to bicker about how the films where better before George Lucas re-cut them into writing something new and original we would be putting your work up there at number one, instead of crossing the road to avoid the balding man in brown cloak, replica light sabre and Tesco carrier.

And why are you winging about the new films, saying they are not as good as the originals and there aimed at kids. Of course they're aimed at kids, their kids films same as the originals.

In short, to offer my advice, maybe you should just rent a copy of the Godfather, open a bottle of wine and realise that there is more to life.

[wjp666]

FILM: 'A Clockwork Orange.'

REVIEW: "Saw this film for the first time the other day, obviously had heard of it, believe what you hear and read then you would think this would be a quality film to earn its status up there in classic British film history, but if you ask me I will give you my honest opinion and tell you this film is just pure garbage, very strange film no storyline whatsoever and entrainment value in my eyes was 0%, what a waste of a couple of hours plus this film is, so go ahead see for yourself."

*(no 'entrainment' value, ay?)*

[drterror666]

No entertainment value?  WHAT!!!

[smurfboy]

The false positive reviews are pretty funny too. Take a look at the verdict on Peter and Jordan's opus, 'A Whole New World':

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Whole-World-Katie-Price-Peter/dp/B000JU8FXK

[Cherry_Ripe]