Chocolate Forum

Chat => General => Topic started by: on May 31, 2006, 09:43:57 pm

Title: Viz letters
Post by: on May 31, 2006, 09:43:57 pm

Some are pretty offensive, others absurd, whilst many are very funny:


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I recently bought a fridge freezer from Currys, and after I had paid for it they asked me for my address to arrange delivery. I told them that I lived between Gateshead and Hexham, and if they rang me a week next Tuesday between 8am and 7pm, I night be able to give them a six hour slot when I would be able to take delivery. When they rang me, I told them that my house was out of stock and they should ring back on Saturday. The shoe's on the other foot now, isn't it, Currys?
DF Kant
"


http://www.viz.co.uk/


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is it that Channel 4's Big Brother are allowed to install loads of cameras in a house and watch the residents' every move. But when I put one tiny camera in my neighbour's bathroon I get bound over for 12 months. There's no justice.
Simon Eldritch


 








I was at the U2 gig at Twickenham Stadium last week. Seeing Bono's speech it was clear he is concerned about poverty and fair trade. Perhaps, then, he can explain why I paid seventy quid to get in, and six quid for a f**king cheese pasty and a bottle of pop?
Reg Reggington


 









Yesterday in my local TKMAXX, I went into the household bit and saw a non-stick frying pan with a price sticker on it. Who the f**k are they trying to kid?


Graham Wilson


 








I was watching those insurance adverts on the telly where Michael Winner plays the parts of both himself and his wife. It suddenly struck me that, after years of wishing he would, he could now actually go and f**k himself.

Mike Oxlong


 








What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

Thomas J


 








'A little bit of what you fancy does you good' they say. It screwed Gary Glitter's career good and proper, though, didn't it?



Nick Pettigrew, London


 








"When a man loves a woman, can't keep his mind on nuthin' else" crooned Percy Sledge during the summer of 1966. I would have to disagree, as during sexual intercourse with my wife I routinely think about our next door neighbour Brenda and her border collie.


David Thompson


 








Ronseal 5 Year Woodstain does exactly what it says on the tin, does it? Funny that. I've looked all over the label and nowhere does it say 'Makes your front door look like an African elephant has wiped its arse on it.'

Steve Edwards, Welshpool


 








I HAVE recently started to masturbate whilst fantasising about Jeanette Krankie. My problem is that I cannot work out whether I am gay, straight or a paedophile. What do your readers think?
D Barclay


 








ACCORDING to a recent survey, most wives are too embarrassed to get undressed in front of their husbands with the light on. I wish mine bloody was.

J Downing, Stoke on Trent


 








It's all very well these bleeding heart liberals getting on their high horses because the Canadians are culling seals again. They don't have a troupe of seals living next door to them, like I do. If, like me, they were kept awake every night by incessant clapping and the honking of bicycle horns into the early hours, they'd be the first onto the ice floe with a baseball bat, let me tell you.
A. Forrest, Castleford


 








Every time I use my local NatWest cashpoint, the screen says 'You have not been charged for this transaction'. Yet when I check my statement, I find without fail that I have had ten pounds debited for every tenner I withdraw. No wonder the banks are raking it in.
Gary Beergut, e-mail


 


 








How come my gran survived the horrors of the Blitz, but has been so badly traumatised by the clocks going back that she can't stop banging on about it? The stupid whispy-chinned bitch.
Stuart Duncan, Email
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Title: Viz letters
Post by: oldspice on May 31, 2006, 09:51:38 pm
Title: Viz letters
Post by: smurfboy on May 31, 2006, 10:10:56 pm
Quote from: Black-Knight

Some are pretty offensive, others absurd, whilst many are very funny:


"






I recently bought a fridge freezer from Currys, and after I had paid for it they asked me for my address to arrange delivery. I told them that I lived between Gateshead and Hexham, and if they rang me a week next Tuesday between 8am and 7pm, I night be able to give them a six hour slot when I would be able to take delivery. When they rang me, I told them that my house was out of stock and they should ring back on Saturday. The shoe's on the other foot now, isn't it, Currys?
DF Kant


Reminds of this phone conversation Jerry once had in Seinfeld:


'No I'm sorry, I can't talk about car insurance now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you back this evening? Oh, you're not allowed to do that? I guess you don't want people calling you at home? Well, now you know how I feel'. Click...

Title: Viz letters
Post by: lorri on June 01, 2006, 01:10:54 am
dont get me started on unsolicited, or cold calling   its one of my pet hates , i once arranged for a "we are in your area, this is a 24hr only offer" phone call company to come round at 9pm on sunday evening to give me a quote( the latest i could negotiate on the phone) it gave me great pleasure to open the door and say " sorry i have changed my mind" lol
Title: Viz letters
Post by: minty on June 01, 2006, 03:33:24 pm
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