Post by: wjp666 on February 21, 2006, 01:31:14 pm
An Asian man walks into a New York Currency Exchange with 2000 yen. He receives $72.00 in American currency. The following week, the same Asian man walks into the same currency exchange. He again exchanges 2000 yen. This time, he receives $66.00 in American currency. The Asian man doesn't understand why he received less money, so he asks the clerk, "Why less money when same 2000 yen"
The clerk replies, "Fluctuations." As the Asian man prepares to leave, he turns, looks at the clerk and angrily says, "Fluck you Amelicans, too!"
Post by: Forth Bridges on February 21, 2006, 01:47:25 pm
Very funny!
well done Wjp
Post by: minty on February 21, 2006, 01:47:47 pm
Post by: wjp666 on February 21, 2006, 01:51:11 pm
nice
Post by: wjp666 on February 21, 2006, 04:11:45 pm
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."
The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!!"
Post by: minty on February 21, 2006, 04:14:04 pm
Post by: wjp666 on February 21, 2006, 05:25:29 pm
well, it's nearly easter, so...
A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.
A blonde driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"
The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!
The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?" The blonde turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
Post by: minty on February 21, 2006, 05:27:11 pm
Post by: oldspice on February 21, 2006, 06:08:02 pm
Post by: minty on February 22, 2006, 02:19:19 pm
Post by: minty on February 22, 2006, 02:25:00 pm
Post by: Cherry_Ripe on February 22, 2006, 02:56:08 pm
good one
Post by: minty on February 22, 2006, 03:38:57 pm
Post by: wjp666 on February 23, 2006, 02:53:30 pm
Post by: wjp666 on February 23, 2006, 02:55:09 pm
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning.”
Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”
Post by: minty on February 23, 2006, 03:32:16 pm
Post by: goldencup on February 23, 2006, 06:51:06 pm
The owner tells him that he has a talking centipede.
"Seriously?"
"Absolutely. You can bring it back if it doesn't talk"
"How much is it?"
"£200"
"OK, but it had better talk or I'll be back!"
And off the man goes with his centipede in a little box. On getting home he opens the box on the table, and says "Hello Mr Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?"
The centipede says nothing. Thinking it might be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.
An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello Mr Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?"
The centipede again says nothing.
Now very suspicious, the man decides he will give it one more hour. If the centipede doesn't talk he'll take it back to the shop for a refund.
An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello Mr Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?"
The centipede gives him a withering look and says "I heard you the first time! I'm just putting my shoes on!"
Post by: smurfboy on February 23, 2006, 07:35:49 pm
A woman is wondering what to buy her boyfriend for his birthday. Her mother suggests taking him to a concert, so she tries to get a few hints on the sort of show he'd like. When she gets to the theatre, there are two shows on: Jackass live, and Westlife in concert. Based on what her boyfriend has said, she gets ticket for Westlife, and puts a note in hid birthday card saying to meet her at the theatre for his surprise.
The man arrives and is delighted to see what's on. 'That's fantastic? How did you know I wanted to see Jackass?'
His girlfriend's face falls. 'But I've bought tickets for Westlife! You said you fancied seeing that show!'
The boyfriend is confused, until realisation hits him. 'No', he says, 'I said I wanted to see the show with the nauseating STUNTS!'
Post by: oldspice on February 23, 2006, 07:37:59 pm
Post by: wjp666 on February 23, 2006, 09:10:29 pm
Post by: on February 23, 2006, 09:18:45 pm
Q. How many women with PMT does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. 
DOES IT MATTER???!!!!!!!!!
Post by: wjp666 on February 23, 2006, 09:24:45 pm
Post by: wjp666 on February 23, 2006, 09:24:55 pm
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time."
"And if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis... fifty times!"
Post by: Forth Bridges on February 23, 2006, 10:33:00 pm
Post by: EASTEREGG on February 23, 2006, 10:36:21 pm
easter egg was hit by a truck
easter egg was hit by a truck
Post by: wjp666 on February 24, 2006, 10:50:22 am
Post by: loulou on February 24, 2006, 11:21:12 am
Post by: wjp666 on February 26, 2006, 06:26:03 pm
an oldie...
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh... she got fired too."
Post by: goldencup on February 26, 2006, 06:46:15 pm
Post by: babygirl on February 26, 2006, 09:04:52 pm
Man walks into a bar.....
Ouch
Lame but a classic!!
Post by: loulou on February 26, 2006, 09:42:05 pm
Post by: wjp666 on February 28, 2006, 02:21:11 pm
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But. what happened to your other ear?" "The son of a bitch called back."
Post by: minty on February 28, 2006, 02:58:35 pm
Post by: Cherry_Ripe on February 28, 2006, 03:02:41 pm
*groans*
Post by: smurfboy on February 28, 2006, 03:08:51 pm
While we're on the blonde jokes...
A blonde is walking along a riverbank. Just as she passes the bridge she spots an ice cream van on the other side. She fancies a 99, but being a bit thick, hasn't spotted the bridge. Then she spots another blonde by the ice cream van. 'Yoohoo!' she calls. 'How do I get to the other side?'
The other blonde rolls her eyes. 'You stupid bimbo', she shouts back. 'You ARE on the other side!'
Post by: wjp666 on February 28, 2006, 03:24:09 pm
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
Post by: minty on February 28, 2006, 03:26:26 pm
Post by: Cherry_Ripe on February 28, 2006, 03:30:05 pm
That joke is originally an Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman joke
Post by: wjp666 on February 28, 2006, 03:32:20 pm
Post by: minty on March 02, 2006, 12:32:59 pm
Post by: Forth Bridges on March 02, 2006, 12:40:18 pm
Post by: goldencup on March 02, 2006, 02:02:51 pm
Post by: minty on March 03, 2006, 10:18:48 am
Post by: minty on March 03, 2006, 10:28:18 am
Post by: wjp666 on March 03, 2006, 03:31:26 pm
Post by: minty on March 03, 2006, 03:34:06 pm
Post by: wjp666 on March 03, 2006, 03:36:08 pm
Post by: wjp666 on March 03, 2006, 03:37:13 pm
Post by: minty on March 03, 2006, 03:38:18 pm
Post by: wjp666 on March 03, 2006, 03:42:45 pm
Post by: minty on March 03, 2006, 03:44:32 pm
Post by: wjp666 on March 03, 2006, 03:51:25 pm
Post by: Cherry_Ripe on March 03, 2006, 03:56:40 pm
Post by: wjp666 on March 03, 2006, 03:57:28 pm
Post by: wjp666 on March 03, 2006, 11:35:52 pm
She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant! I was ecstatic!
We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"
Then, she said "Oh, honey, There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to Have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!" "
Post by: goldencup on March 06, 2006, 09:14:29 am
criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the
bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?"
Post by: on March 06, 2006, 09:20:26 am
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar
etc etc etc 
Post by: smurfboy on March 06, 2006, 12:57:48 pm
Post by: Lime Candy on March 06, 2006, 01:01:41 pm
A grizzly bear walks into a bar.
He says, "Vodka............................................... and coke, please"
The barman says, "Why the big pause?"
Post by: minty on March 06, 2006, 01:29:08 pm
Post by: minty on March 06, 2006, 01:33:55 pm
Post by: Lime Candy on March 06, 2006, 01:52:26 pm
Oooooh, that one made me cringe!!!!
Fantastic!!!!
Post by: goldencup on March 06, 2006, 02:59:24 pm
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar
etc etc etc
Sorry if the joke didn't meet your exacting standards Bounty.
Post by: Cherry_Ripe on March 06, 2006, 03:05:47 pm
I liked your joke Goldencup!
Post by: goldencup on March 06, 2006, 03:15:49 pm
I didn't think it was THAT bad....
Post by: minty on March 06, 2006, 03:22:26 pm
Post by: goldencup on March 06, 2006, 03:24:05 pm
I think you've missed off the punchline there Minty!
Aha - that's better!
Post by: Cherry_Ripe on March 06, 2006, 03:31:31 pm
Post by: wjp666 on March 06, 2006, 03:49:43 pm
Post by: wjp666 on March 06, 2006, 04:22:49 pm
Post by: loulou on March 06, 2006, 06:41:13 pm
How's the retirement from the forum going Bounty?
Post by: turkish delight on March 07, 2006, 11:23:11 pm
What do you call a Sikh who does karaoke?
Getzupta Singh!
Post by: loulou on March 08, 2006, 01:09:23 am
Post by: goldencup on March 08, 2006, 01:47:12 pm
Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never bethe same again!" After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.
"I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" sobs the Porsche owner.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you." The Londoner looks down in horror ............."Oh my God!" he screams........ "Where's my Rolex ?
Post by: wjp666 on March 08, 2006, 04:12:15 pm
Post by: loulou on March 08, 2006, 11:13:03 pm
Post by: wjp666 on March 09, 2006, 12:35:29 am
Post by: minty on March 09, 2006, 02:13:49 pm
Post by: wjp666 on March 09, 2006, 03:22:54 pm
Post by: minty on March 09, 2006, 03:41:54 pm
Post by: Forth Bridges on March 09, 2006, 03:54:46 pm
clik on it
Post by: Cherry_Ripe on March 09, 2006, 03:58:17 pm
Can't click on it!
Post by: minty on March 09, 2006, 04:11:03 pm
Post by: wjp666 on March 09, 2006, 09:19:24 pm
Post by: minty on March 09, 2006, 09:48:58 pm
Post by: loulou on March 09, 2006, 09:59:37 pm
Post by: minty on March 09, 2006, 10:37:59 pm